numbness

sad again. sad is when i write, most often. the view then is skewed. alone on a saturday again, but not too worried about it. more than anything, worried that i'm not worried. social interaction, at least for the past week, has felt like more trouble than it's worth, and i'm frequently and spontaneously hearing a reminder in my head that nobody can give me or take from me anything of any real value. still, social interaction, and the need for it remains a puzzle. and it must be driving me at least somewhat, because i'm posting this online rather than writing it in a notebook. reminded of dfw quote i read recently about how ridiculous language is, that trying to express what comprises ones inner reality through words is like forcing a large object through one of those old style keyholes. we have to settle for whatever gets through the keyhole, the room behind the door will remain completely mysterious.

words are really inadequate, indeed. but i soldier on.

some time ago, i wrote an entry about social awkwardness. i'm experiencing something similar right now too, but there's a bit more detroit in my internal dialogue. lately my natural behavior runs counter to my usual type-a tendencies. at a loss for words often, words jumbled and uncertain when they do escape, a bit uncomfortable around people. it may leave me friendless, conceivably, or at least without some of the friendships i've built more recently. inside, when anxiety comes up, i ask myself what exactly i'm afraid of. the answer is either losing a friendship, or far worse, receiving the energy of dislike from someone i value, and having to tolerate that rejection every time we interact. that thought makes me very uncomfortable even now, at such great remove. but the dialogue inside is somewhat different nowadays: a growing lobby tells me to just let these friendships go if need be. what can it matter if this person or that person likes me. peoples approval of me has no real value, perceiving value in it is just a trick i play on myself. it's a small loop in my program, it gives me a small amount of pleasure or displeasure all day, it's perfectly arbitrary and useless, yet- fully dominant. vestigial. a tribal and pretribal remnant. most of the social tendencies selected for in the past are completely unnecessary in modern liberal democracies. being able to evaluate whether or not others are trustworthy is no longer necessary when we're not engaged in bartering with necessary delays ("i owe you one, thanks").. we solve that problem with money. it doesn't really matter what people think of me as long as i have the money to support myself while alive, and as long as i don't go against the current social contract, laws. in the past, reputation was survival. etc. etc.

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this thing is fully numb. no use for pleasure.